What we have said...
Hi Spouses,
Last night I put together a 2 1/2 page compilation of quotes from the forums we have discussed. It is everything I have also been going through, so I thought I would put in a discussion so you could all see it. It's very empowering to "see" someone else's words and to relate to it, and know you are not alone, and you are not imagining it! It was edited only very slightly to make it easier to read in the list format ~ Suzette
• A normal marriage (even with problems) involves sharing, emotional intimacy, and connectedness. We didn't have any of that.
• Personally, we had no luck with marriage counseling. He went, but sat through it mostly unresponsive and when pressed, had no intention of opening up to the therapist. It was a huge waste of time and money.
• He is a lab tech. There will be NO spontaneity with him. No going out. No travel.
• He doesn't GET that there IS a problem!
• He has no friends, but is sociable at work
• My 48 y.o. husband is undiagnosed, but based on a counselor's suspicions (I did some research myself), he without a doubt has Asperger’s Syndrome...as did his father.
• He will study strategies for days, but cannot figure out a financial plan for our family...or simply even seek assistance
• I am at a loss. I cry every night. I am truly sad. I have no one to talk to. I do not have a marriage partner.
• I've often thought of getting a place down the hall (we're in a condo), so that the kids could have easy access to him. I just can't deal with it day in and day out.
• I took the quiz from my perspective as if I were him. Scored 182 of 200 "very likely an Aspie." I think it would have been even higher, but I left several questions blank due to not being sure of how he would respond.
• He doesn't seem to "get" what I'm trying to do
• I had three children from a previous marriage. They watched as their independent, strong-willed, well-educated, and mostly confident mother had the life and spirit, slowly and painfully drained from her.
• I am coping by not communicating with him at all. It is the only way I can get through.
• And forget about having people over or having a social life
• He is a lovely father to our son who adores him. Often to the exclusion of me.
• At the end of the day it is very hard to maintain an adult sexual relationship with someone who does nothing to take care of you and who behaves like a teenager so much of the time.
• I have been married for years and just decided a year ago that he is emotionally neglectful. There were times where I was in so much pain because of my back and he would just walk by and not lift a finger.
• When I was depressed he just didn't seem to care or be concerned. The reason I was depressed was because of his lack of compassion towards me. I just figured out that he has Aspergers. I don't need a professional to tell me this. I have had to be so tough over the years that I actually have had to turn off my own emotions in order to not get hurt anymore.
• I just want to hit him when he walks away from me when I am trying to say something of importance, or I need to talk.
• He expects that people know what's in his mind. And if he can't give body and/or social clues, I can't guess.
• many of them are incredibly intelligent, and yet helpless in other ways
• It doesn't matter that they can be interesting people and care about you in their own way...that would be okay so long as the rest of the problems did not hurt so badly.
• Side by side houses for couples don't exist in the real world. And even if they did...did I really sign up for celibacy and lack of intimacy and lack of interactions ????
• He's as happy as a clam doing what he wants to do, and in a foul mood doing things he doesn't want to do.
• What's the point of marriage? Just a routine?
• I make all phone calls that have to be made because he "can't" possibly talk to people
• He seems to be capable of doing things he wants to, though.
• Our lives are like some macabre science fiction movie in which our husbands are robots or aliens but nobody can see it!
• We all just thought he was "quirky". It took a few years for me to realize that "quirky" didn't quite describe it, and that I was in trouble.
• I believe that's what has made this marriage so difficult for me. It just never felt like I could be me; only some filtered down version that he was able to handle.
• I too have put myself in therapy only to question my sanity for staying with my husband.
• I also know the anger. The anger at having to be something that he wants or can at least stand to be around the anger at seeing people together that can actually show that they care. THe anger at never really having a marriage or even a relationship.
• He is almost zombie like. He never shows any emotion.
• routine is a must same old same old is just perfect. no surprises.
• I was so relieved yesterday that I did not cry at all until late evening and then only for a minute. but I am making up for it today.
• How do I get through the hard times when there are no good times to hold in my memories. All my memories are of loss and that makes the sorrow more intense.
• You are absolutely right when you say we start to think there is something wrong with us. But then we get to a point where we have to stand up and say "how can it be my fault all the time?" It is such a fight to get them to see that it is their behavior that is causing strife.
• I have been emotionally abused and neglected by him, but now I have a solid answer as to why.
• Being with an Aspie spouse sucks the life out of a normal person. I have the worst self esteem that I have ever had and I am working on that for myself. I also have come to the realization that my children have seen this and that I have not shown them what a real relationship is supposed to look like.
• It's all very well and good to have no empathy, no milk of human kindness, when things are going along just fine, but what happens when things go wrong?
Last night I put together a 2 1/2 page compilation of quotes from the forums we have discussed. It is everything I have also been going through, so I thought I would put in a discussion so you could all see it. It's very empowering to "see" someone else's words and to relate to it, and know you are not alone, and you are not imagining it! It was edited only very slightly to make it easier to read in the list format ~ Suzette
• A normal marriage (even with problems) involves sharing, emotional intimacy, and connectedness. We didn't have any of that.
• Personally, we had no luck with marriage counseling. He went, but sat through it mostly unresponsive and when pressed, had no intention of opening up to the therapist. It was a huge waste of time and money.
• He is a lab tech. There will be NO spontaneity with him. No going out. No travel.
• He doesn't GET that there IS a problem!
• He has no friends, but is sociable at work
• My 48 y.o. husband is undiagnosed, but based on a counselor's suspicions (I did some research myself), he without a doubt has Asperger’s Syndrome...as did his father.
• He will study strategies for days, but cannot figure out a financial plan for our family...or simply even seek assistance
• I am at a loss. I cry every night. I am truly sad. I have no one to talk to. I do not have a marriage partner.
• I've often thought of getting a place down the hall (we're in a condo), so that the kids could have easy access to him. I just can't deal with it day in and day out.
• I took the quiz from my perspective as if I were him. Scored 182 of 200 "very likely an Aspie." I think it would have been even higher, but I left several questions blank due to not being sure of how he would respond.
• He doesn't seem to "get" what I'm trying to do
• I had three children from a previous marriage. They watched as their independent, strong-willed, well-educated, and mostly confident mother had the life and spirit, slowly and painfully drained from her.
• I am coping by not communicating with him at all. It is the only way I can get through.
• And forget about having people over or having a social life
• He is a lovely father to our son who adores him. Often to the exclusion of me.
• At the end of the day it is very hard to maintain an adult sexual relationship with someone who does nothing to take care of you and who behaves like a teenager so much of the time.
• I have been married for years and just decided a year ago that he is emotionally neglectful. There were times where I was in so much pain because of my back and he would just walk by and not lift a finger.
• When I was depressed he just didn't seem to care or be concerned. The reason I was depressed was because of his lack of compassion towards me. I just figured out that he has Aspergers. I don't need a professional to tell me this. I have had to be so tough over the years that I actually have had to turn off my own emotions in order to not get hurt anymore.
• I just want to hit him when he walks away from me when I am trying to say something of importance, or I need to talk.
• He expects that people know what's in his mind. And if he can't give body and/or social clues, I can't guess.
• many of them are incredibly intelligent, and yet helpless in other ways
• It doesn't matter that they can be interesting people and care about you in their own way...that would be okay so long as the rest of the problems did not hurt so badly.
• Side by side houses for couples don't exist in the real world. And even if they did...did I really sign up for celibacy and lack of intimacy and lack of interactions ????
• He's as happy as a clam doing what he wants to do, and in a foul mood doing things he doesn't want to do.
• What's the point of marriage? Just a routine?
• I make all phone calls that have to be made because he "can't" possibly talk to people
• He seems to be capable of doing things he wants to, though.
• Our lives are like some macabre science fiction movie in which our husbands are robots or aliens but nobody can see it!
• We all just thought he was "quirky". It took a few years for me to realize that "quirky" didn't quite describe it, and that I was in trouble.
• I believe that's what has made this marriage so difficult for me. It just never felt like I could be me; only some filtered down version that he was able to handle.
• I too have put myself in therapy only to question my sanity for staying with my husband.
• I also know the anger. The anger at having to be something that he wants or can at least stand to be around the anger at seeing people together that can actually show that they care. THe anger at never really having a marriage or even a relationship.
• He is almost zombie like. He never shows any emotion.
• routine is a must same old same old is just perfect. no surprises.
• I was so relieved yesterday that I did not cry at all until late evening and then only for a minute. but I am making up for it today.
• How do I get through the hard times when there are no good times to hold in my memories. All my memories are of loss and that makes the sorrow more intense.
• You are absolutely right when you say we start to think there is something wrong with us. But then we get to a point where we have to stand up and say "how can it be my fault all the time?" It is such a fight to get them to see that it is their behavior that is causing strife.
• I have been emotionally abused and neglected by him, but now I have a solid answer as to why.
• Being with an Aspie spouse sucks the life out of a normal person. I have the worst self esteem that I have ever had and I am working on that for myself. I also have come to the realization that my children have seen this and that I have not shown them what a real relationship is supposed to look like.
• It's all very well and good to have no empathy, no milk of human kindness, when things are going along just fine, but what happens when things go wrong?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Linda on -
Suz,
Great job! Great summary of what is like living with an Aspie spouse. I've been living this life for almost 30 years, and I just don't know what to do now. I always thought he was "weird" and "cold". Now I understand what he is. Understanding doesn't solve the problem, but it answers so many questions. Even after sharing this with him, he just goes on as though nothing is wrong. It is so frustrating.
Linda
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Permalink Reply by Suz on -
Hi Linda,
Thirty years is such a long time to have dealt with this! My journey has only been about 15, but I am really ready to move on. Problem is I am stuck! No job, house is crumbling around me, the husband's wages are being cut due to the economy, 5 kids at home still, and I feel like a washed up 56-year-old beached whale!
His latest remark to me was "You're insane. I don't have Asperger's. You can move out. I won't support you. I will not pay back taxes. Your problem is that you are so sleep deprived that you end up in the emergency ward. You can't get a job because you have an attitude." Amazing he could actually string all those words together after not speaking to me for a year! They are such disjointed thoughts, however! And sleep deprived? Emergency ward? I'm unemployed, for God's sake! I sleep when I want to! He retires at 8:00, so the whole family has to tip-toe and whisper all evening. Then he arises at 3:00 AM in order to leave for work 3 hours later! What kind of schedule is that for a married man with children! It's all to avoid us. It's so he can stick to his avoidance routine. And I am unemployed due to an attitude? Sure. That MUST be the reason!
Like you, I feel relieved to know that it is a hard wiring problem (neurological), but as you suggest, it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. It's peculiar that their routines are so rigid that you can set a clock by them, but you never know what is going to come out of their mouths or how they will react to outside stimulus. So very odd!
You had written that he lived by himself for a while then moved back in with you. Did he do okay living alone? My husband was living with his mother when we met at age 40+, and before that he had lived with various friends and family, and I am wondering how capable these loners are? I imagine they are all different, but I am curious as to how your husband made his way back into your home after living apart?
Good Luck!
Suzette
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Permalink Reply by Linda on
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Suzette,
I understand how you feel about being "stuck". I'm stuck too. I can't live without his income, and I can't sell my house because of the economy and awful real estate market. I've never felt so helpless. What you described in your outline is so on target. I notice that some Aspies are like ticking time bombs. Mine is very easy going, predictable, docile, obedient, willing to be helpful, does anything I say. But he doesn't know what to do or how to do it unless I tell him. Ten years ago, I was so anxious to have him out of my life, I became involved with another man. He gave me attention, input, opinions, help, everything that my husband did not do. I divorced my husband and married this other man. We were together for 8 years, but he had behaviours that I couldn't live with (anger issues, food issues, road rage) and he couldn't/wouldn't change. Problem is that we got along so well, he talked to me all of the time, and I felt very much validated and noticed by him. He had me on a pedestal. I finally decided that I THOUGHT I wanted my old life back, and separated from the last husband 8 months ago. My Aspie husband came back very willingly, and that's when I discovered his condition. You asked how he made out during the 9 years. He was happy or at least seemed to be. But isn't that part of it? They adapt very easily. Well, he wasted A LOT of money, was taken advantage of by a couple women...At first he lived in a condo that I bought and he rented from me. Then he bought his own townhouse and lived fine for a couple years. Then he moved out of the townhouse and moved into another condo that I own. During all of this time, I was able to keep an eye on him and make sure that he was ok. I didn't know about his Aspergers then. I'm really in awe of all of the number of people who are living this nightmare. There's is really nothing said about it on tv or anywhere. It seems that since it is so prevalent, there would be more talk about it. I had a very serious talk with him today and told him about how I care about him and do love him, but he doesn't fulfill any emotional needs and I don't feel like we really have a marriage or I have a partner. He seemed to understand totally, as I had him repeat to me what I told him. Then he got up and walked away. So typical. So, I guess that's about it for now. I could go on and on about this, but It's 3:38 am, and I really do need some sleep. Hang in there...make your children your priorities. Write any time. Hugs, Linda
Suz said:Hi Linda,
Thirty years is such a long time to have dealt with this! My journey has only been about 15, but I am really ready to move on. Problem is I am stuck! No job, house is crumbling around me, the husband's wages are being cut due to the economy, 5 kids at home still, and I feel like a washed up 56-year-old beached whale!
His latest remark to me was "You're insane. I don't have Asperger's. You can move out. I won't support you. I will not pay back taxes. Your problem is that you are so sleep deprived that you end up in the emergency ward. You can't get a job because you have an attitude." Amazing he could actually string all those words together after not speaking to me for a year! They are such disjointed thoughts, however! And sleep deprived? Emergency ward? I'm unemployed, for God's sake! I sleep when I want to! He retires at 8:00, so the whole family has to tip-toe and whisper all evening. Then he arises at 3:00 AM in order to leave for work 3 hours later! What kind of schedule is that for a married man with children! It's all to avoid us. It's so he can stick to his avoidance routine. And I am unemployed due to an attitude? Sure. That MUST be the reason!
Like you, I feel relieved to know that it is a hard wiring problem (neurological), but as you suggest, it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. It's peculiar that their routines are so rigid that you can set a clock by them, but you never know what is going to come out of their mouths or how they will react to outside stimulus. So very odd!
You had written that he lived by himself for a while then moved back in with you. Did he do okay living alone? My husband was living with his mother when we met at age 40+, and before that he had lived with various friends and family, and I am wondering how capable these loners are? I imagine they are all different, but I am curious as to how your husband made his way back into your home after living apart?
Good Luck!
Suzette
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